How to stand still
written on day 11 of my menstrual cycle
Tomorrow is summer solstice in this part of the world. I am in inner summer (ovulatory phase) during summer solstice. Yet I am not sure how to stand still for this event.
The summer energy is in the air, making me forget about my inner world. And as a compensation, my dreams are more vivid, more complex yet I lack the capacity to sit down with them. I am in a summer whirlwind - do you relate?
Earlier this morning I found my drawing and words written on day 1 of this current cycle - when I had a day to myself to drop in and be in my bubble. Something in me told me to trust the intentions set at that time to pull me forward when the outer world is too bright for me to adjust my sight to the softer light of inner sight.
I find the height of summer difficult to handle at this time in my life. So I let myself flow with the energy. I remember winter solstice to be a bit more available to me, as there is more time for reflection, for story, for stillness. But summer solstice, there is just so much going on, how do I stand still?
I didn’t even take the time to write poems when the inspiration came to me. Rather I scribbled quickly the essence of what the inspiration was trying to tell me. But I have not gotten to placing words around that.
And as I write these words down here with you in mind, you who might receive them today or another day, something in me softens.
Can I trust my anchor - that thread that holds me in place here on earth.
That thread that I have been tending to throughout these long winters?
Can I now trust that it is strong enough to hold me in place when the outer bright lights of summer distract me?
And what if they don’t distract me, but get me to use my energy on that which matters to me at this time, a more doing kind of energy because there is so much light out there…
I remember our daughter’s second summer, when she was mobile already and the days were so long and loud and hot, I was longing for rest and sleep. I think that scares me as well, not fully letting myself go into the brightness for fear of burning out, but three years ago I resisted it as well and then had to descend into the pits of winter for a looong time.
I am not sure where I am going with this - true to these times of heat and wind and many insects everywhere and so many events and things to take care of…and when I don’t know what is going on, I resort to gratitude. Gratitude can make that thread strong. Gratitude for my life, for my romantic relationship which feels like a new one after 16 years together and 14 years married tomorrow on the solstice day. Gratitude for my health and wealth of freedom, family, friendships, inspiration and time…time to reflect and do and live and grieve and write and eat the juicy fresh fruits.
