Dark - Light - Dark
on needing to bring balance
I wrote most of the words that follow a few days ago, in those days between Christmas and the Gregorian New Year, where cyclical time does its magic and we slip through linearity into deep winter rest and dreaming, here in the northern hemisphere.
This is the third year in a row I am reading The Madonna Secret by Sophie Strand - who can find here on Substack. I start it in December as a way for my soul to ease into the bright lights of the festive season. Even though I live far from big cities, consumerism and constant light still reach me somehow. This book awakens my senses, brings me into my body, and restores a balance to the story of why we celebrate Christmas (I was raised Christian). Sophie gives voice to the mother, the female counterpart of the fiery, masculine version I have been immersed in.
This past December I also came across Meggan Watterson - you can find her Substack here. After listening to an interview with her and realizing I have been using the oracle card deck she co-created when in circle with one of my close friends, I decided to look into her work. One of the books she wrote is Mary Magdalene Revealed which I started reading right after The Madonna Secret - spoiler alert - which is ‘about’ Mary Magdalene, or Miriam.
As I was reading in bed one morning - during those moments when all the other people in the house are still asleep, it is still dark, and I want to feed my soul with what I call real nourishment - I started realizing why am drawn to the practice of connecting to Mary Magdalene / Miriam / the feminine / yin / the body / darkness in these festive times.
It is to restore a balance within myself.
A balance that had not been tended to throughout many years of my life.
A balance guided by inner darkness, that place of knowing that is birthed in the silent void.
In a world that teaches us to be afraid of the dark, I have practiced to invite it in, to be comfortable in the dark. In the outer world, I live in a village with little street lighting, I can see the stars from my bed on a clear night, and the lights in the house are dim and warm so that when night time comes, I am as close to it as possible. This has taken time, I would not have been able to switch to this from one day to another. In the inner world, I have been courting the dark voids of my menstrual cycle for the past few years, getting comfortable with the wisdom and regeneration that lies there.
And what I have learnt from the dark is that the light is in there too. That if I stay with it just a breath longer, the light begins to form and guide the way forward. What I am learning from my body is not to force this rebirth, rather to feed it, in the dark and with the dark.
As I hold a beautiful child inside my womb expecting them to be born with the arrival of spring - renewal and regeneration are what this baby transmits to me - I realize how the practices of emptiness and awareness I have gone through in the past 3 and 1/2 years - in the wake of our daughter’s death - have nourished me. My first baby of light and joy who now accompanies me from the other side, never apart always with me from within.
The focus on the baby is only natural as they need our care, presence, and love to survive. And these times, inspired by the two books I mentioned, I’m easing also into the reverence for the mother, for the feminine that births us all. I’m easing into being celebrated for the sacred load I am carrying, for how I glow and grow together with this baby, and for the dark void I will need to descend into to bring them into this world.
While some celebrate new beginnings and others follow the rhythms of nature, I wish that you remember your inner balance. That whatever cycles are ending and beginning, there is enough presence and stillness and support for you to bow with reverence to both the light and the dark.